facebook

Original protagonist: [Something mildly controversial/potentially offensive]

Antagonist: That is [sexist, homophobic, biphobic, transphobic, cissexist, heteronormative, homonormative, encouraging of stereotypes, exclusive of religious/black/disabled/woman-identified/queer people]! You can’t say that!

Original protagonist: Why not? I have freedom of speech!

2nd Antagonist: Safespace!

Original protagonist: Stop being so sensitive! You just need to get over your feeling of being persecuted all the time!

2nd protagonist: It’s political correctness gone mad, mate, can’t even say anything without a degree in gender studies here.

Friend of the Antagonist: This isn’t political correctness, it’s about creating an inclusive environment!

[Massive argument ensues]

Interested gay: [Insightful comment about striking a balance between freedom of speech and protecting minority groups that is largely ignored]

Uninterested gay: Wtf are you all arguing about? Stop it, you’re acting like children.

Disinterested gay: Lol, this is funny.

[Unplanned kneejerk response by committee member that deletes/bans/destroys the forum in which the OP committed the original action]

Original Protagonist: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT.

Antagonist: It was totally appropriate!

3rd protagonist: That was not on, no-one has the right to censorship! We live in a free country! {Optional: comparison to Hitler}

2nd Antagonist: Free speech doesn’t include the right to offend!

Libertarian gay: I don’t give a toss about this argument, but no-one has the right to censor another person!

Random gay who has just read through the entire argument and come out sympathetic to the Antagonist: I think its acceptable for the committee to act on issues that are offensive to other members though.

{Optional: Argument about whether rightwing/leftwing viewpoints have equal status and whether the society should be political or not}

Original Protagonist: Who makes that decision? The committee, who the hell are the committee?

Committee member: Hey, we’re all volunteers, we’re all doing the best we can, people make mistakes…

Disgruntled former (sort of) member: [Snarky comment about committee]

[Argument about the committee, its actions that year, the people on it, elections and the sort of events being run]

Member hoping to derail the controversy: Hey, check out this [inspiring video/article about a new step forward for gay rights/suggestion for a new event]

2nd member hoping to derail the controversy: Wow, yeah, that’s really cool. Why don’t we [upbeat and constructive suggestion that no-one replies to]

Original protagonist/Antagonist: Look, I’m not trying to make a big deal about this, I just feel that my identity as a [minority/majority gay man/gay woman/bisexual/trans person/queer person/black person/middle class/working class person/right wing/left wing/religious/atheist] is being compromised and I feel hurt. Something Must Be Done.

Antagonist/Original Protagonist: What do you mean, your identity?! What about MY identity as a [majority/minority gay man/gay woman/bisexual/trans person/queer person/black person/middle class/working class person/right wing/left wing/religious believer/atheist]? We’re oppressed too!

Academic gay: Well, actually, [comment about structural inequality/queer theory/”racism cuts both ways”]

Non-academic gay who shouldn’t be at university: Look, none of this matters, alright? It’s just academic theories, can’t we all just get along?

Original Protagonist/Antagonist: This isn’t about getting along, it’s about a serious point that strikes at the very fabric of what it means to be [LGBT/non-heterosexual/a member of this society/a student/democratic/free/part of a union]!

[Argument continues but now involving reference to liberation theory and class analysis]

Former committee member: Nothing changes.

2nd former committee member: Yeah, do you remember when…

[Short conversation between old LGBT hacks ensues about former controversies]

Ordinary member no-one has ever heard of before: Look, I signed up to this society for updates about events and to meet people, not to read this kind of petty infighting. We need to be united, get a grip!

Original protagonist: I wasn’t trying to be divisive, I only [original action] and it seems some people just can’t cope with that…

Ordinary member no-one has ever heard of or will again: Just stop it! Just stop it, alright! I am sick of this happening all the time!

Antagonist: My point was totally valid and you needed to be challenged! You said…

[Argument continues until everyone gets physically tired and/or has to leave the keyboard]

[A committee meeting is held where the same arguments are rehashed for two hours but no conclusions are reached]

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Because I and apparently so many other continue to enjoy my best Facebook stati post of 2010, I have done the same again this year. As last year, here is a selection of my Facebook stati over the past year that I thought emerged from the better recesses of my mind and my wanderings over the Internet. New and improved: now I have included images and videos! Lol.

This blogpost is in two parts, and the first part is available here.

Link.

* One of the things that I do like about OKCupid is that it sends me several emails a month saying “Someone HAS RATED YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE. How awesome is that?” Which is, you know, nice.

* Sarah: “Why do we have a signed photo of Jean Claude Van Damme on the wall?” *Argument erupts between both parents about who put the photo there and why. Both deny responsibility.*

* In other news, Mo Saqib lost his latest bid for power and didn’t get elected to Block. Still a cheat though, lest we forget.” [This isn’t funny or interesting, I just want everyone to know he cheated in his election campaign.]

* After undergrad you think you know everything, after a master’s you realise you know nothing, after a PhD, you know that that’s ok cos no-one else knows anything either.

* Ah, the sun is out, I am wearing shorts, this can only mean one thing – MASS CONSUMPTION OF HUMMOUS.

* You know the point at which you are absent-mindedly inserting cell spacing into a html table in your PHP template footer is probably the point at which you have lost the right to say “oh, I know nothing about building websites”.

* Folks who tell me that animals aren’t people have never seen a guinea pig establish just how pissed off it is with you despite not having eyebrows or facial expressions.

Link.

* “In the film, the anarchist revolutionary V incites the population of Britain to don his mask and rise up against the government, because nothing captures the spirit of anarchy better than a mob of people in identical uniforms unquestioningly obeying one man.”

* “I got back and was talking to- oh, I’ve forgotten her name again. A girl with an odd name.” “Maeve?” “Yeah, Maeve.”

* Dear bank: if your “secure payment systems” are so secure I can’t use them, it’s not me losing money.

* Miles: “By what standard am I a member of the Green Party?” Me: “They’ve just sent you election ballot papers in the post?” Miles: “Good point”. Miles Battye, possibly the only person in the world who could’ve accidentally joined the Green Party.

* Ben Ali (Tunisia), Mubarak (Egypt), Gadaffi (Libya), Porter (NUS)… #ihearttherevolution

* Sarah McCulloch has had many guinea pigs: Robbie, Oscar, Alfred, Vivian, Cyril… and Squash. Guess which one I didn’t name…

* “These days, the equivalent [of Dante’s Inferno] would be if Eminem released a 40-track album in which he personally named you and called you a fuckhead in every single song, and it went triple Platinum.”

* “Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.”

* Passer-by: “Are you vegetarian?” Sarah: “Yes, how can you tell?” Passer-by: “You just bought seven packs of half-price quorn pieces.” Ah…

* It’s 1:12pm in the McCulloch-Allen household, and so far only Sarah has managed to get dressed. Mummy McCulloch has scribbled some cooking times on some of the packets from Marks and Spencer and wandered off, Patrick got up half an hour ago, and Cyril, Vivian and Alfred have all been picked up and petted repeatedly and are dealing with their trauma by munching hay and freaking out at the sound of someone coughing.

* Anon1: “How are you eating?!” Anon2:” With great interest and not a little anaesthesia.”

* Sarah: “Eww, this knife has lube on it.” Five minutes later, Jess picks up the same knife. Jess: “Eww, you’re right…”

*

* Sarah is not in the office right now, but please leave a message and she will ignore it until she is back from funtimes with Robbie Court.

* “Would you be prepared to die for what you believe in?” “Absolutely, but right now it’s a hugely inefficient use of resources.”

* John Copestake: “No, I’m sorry, they can’t do whatever they want just because they put up a sign. I could put up a sign saying that I will eat your spleen if you go into my garden, but that doesn’t mean I can.”

* Sarah McCulloch is just so efficient sometimes she just wants to reward herself with a biscuit.

* Me to mum: “Why the hell are you wearing a shirt with the mandelbrot set on it? That’s so geeky!” Mum to me: “Says the girl who’s wearing a shirt with an IPv4 related joke on it?”

* Perhaps Ste Monaghan and Robi Folkard can explain the symbolism of the part of my dream that involved sex with Ed Miliband. Am I subconsciously expressing my desire for collectivist reformism? :P

* And switching between my Digg, Twitter, Facebook and blog, checking stats, tweaking content and adding friends, I realised I was Geek.

* Sarah McCulloch doesn’t think words can really express the feeling on seeing the words “Add as friend” next to someone to whom they should never have been attached.

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A Joke to Delete For?: Religious Humour and Hypocrisy on Facebook

May 24, 2011

So, Harold Camping, a small-time Christian preacher told us that the end of the world was coming last Saturday, when 200 million Christians would rise up off the ground and go to heaven while the rest of us mooched around murdering each other until Judgment Day in October sometime. Pretty much everyone who doesn’t listen […]

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The 30 Day Song Challenge No. 21-30

March 17, 2011

So, the 30 Day Song Challenge is sweeping Facebook at the moment, and as with many of my friends, I spent a spare few hours pondering such existential questions as “But what song defines *me* as a person?” and “What does *guilt* really mean in this context?”. From this, the list below was produced. There’s […]

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The 30 Day Song Challenge No. 11-20

March 16, 2011

So, the 30 Day Song Challenge is sweeping Facebook at the moment, and as with many of my friends, I spent a spare few hours pondering such existential questions as “But what song defines *me* as a person?” and “What does *guilt* really mean in this context?”. From this, the list below was produced. There’s […]

1 comment Read the full article →

The 30 Day Song Challenge No. 1-10

March 15, 2011

So, the 30 Day Song Challenge is sweeping Facebook at the moment, and as with many of my friends, I spent a spare few hours pondering such existential questions as “But what song defines *me* as a person?” and “What does *guilt* really mean in this context?”. From this, the list below was produced. There’s […]

6 comments Read the full article →

Best of Facebook Stati 2010: Part 2

September 14, 2010

I recently went looking through my Facebook stati looking for a specific one from several months ago and  ended up spending a couple of hours trawling through random articles I posted, funny status updates I made, and arguments I’ve gotten into over the past year. Rather than let them vanish into the ether (Facebook appears […]

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Best of Facebook Stati 2010: Part 1

September 13, 2010

I recently went looking through my Facebook stati looking for a specific one from several months ago and  ended up spending a couple of hours trawling through random articles I posted, funny status updates I made, and arguments I’ve gotten into over the past year. Rather than let them vanish into the ether (Facebook appears […]

4 comments Read the full article →