facebook stati

Because I and apparently so many other continue to enjoy my best Facebook stati post of 2010, I have done the same again this year. As last year, here is a selection of my Facebook stati over the past year that I thought emerged from the better recesses of my mind and my wanderings over the Internet. New and improved: now I have included images and videos! Lol.

This blogpost is in two parts, and the first part is available here.


* One of the things that I do like about OKCupid is that it sends me several emails a month saying “Someone HAS RATED YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE. How awesome is that?” Which is, you know, nice.

* Sarah: “Why do we have a signed photo of Jean Claude Van Damme on the wall?” *Argument erupts between both parents about who put the photo there and why. Both deny responsibility.*

* In other news, Mo Saqib lost his latest bid for power and didn’t get elected to Block. Still a cheat though, lest we forget.” [This isn’t funny or interesting, I just want everyone to know he cheated in his election campaign.]

* After undergrad you think you know everything, after a master’s you realise you know nothing, after a PhD, you know that that’s ok cos no-one else knows anything either.

* Ah, the sun is out, I am wearing shorts, this can only mean one thing – MASS CONSUMPTION OF HUMMOUS.

* You know the point at which you are absent-mindedly inserting cell spacing into a html table in your PHP template footer is probably the point at which you have lost the right to say “oh, I know nothing about building websites”.

* Folks who tell me that animals aren’t people have never seen a guinea pig establish just how pissed off it is with you despite not having eyebrows or facial expressions.


* “In the film, the anarchist revolutionary V incites the population of Britain to don his mask and rise up against the government, because nothing captures the spirit of anarchy better than a mob of people in identical uniforms unquestioningly obeying one man.”

* “I got back and was talking to- oh, I’ve forgotten her name again. A girl with an odd name.” “Maeve?” “Yeah, Maeve.”

* Dear bank: if your “secure payment systems” are so secure I can’t use them, it’s not me losing money.

* Miles: “By what standard am I a member of the Green Party?” Me: “They’ve just sent you election ballot papers in the post?” Miles: “Good point”. Miles Battye, possibly the only person in the world who could’ve accidentally joined the Green Party.

* Ben Ali (Tunisia), Mubarak (Egypt), Gadaffi (Libya), Porter (NUS)… #ihearttherevolution

* Sarah McCulloch has had many guinea pigs: Robbie, Oscar, Alfred, Vivian, Cyril… and Squash. Guess which one I didn’t name…

* “These days, the equivalent [of Dante’s Inferno] would be if Eminem released a 40-track album in which he personally named you and called you a fuckhead in every single song, and it went triple Platinum.”

* “Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.”

* Passer-by: “Are you vegetarian?” Sarah: “Yes, how can you tell?” Passer-by: “You just bought seven packs of half-price quorn pieces.” Ah…

* It’s 1:12pm in the McCulloch-Allen household, and so far only Sarah has managed to get dressed. Mummy McCulloch has scribbled some cooking times on some of the packets from Marks and Spencer and wandered off, Patrick got up half an hour ago, and Cyril, Vivian and Alfred have all been picked up and petted repeatedly and are dealing with their trauma by munching hay and freaking out at the sound of someone coughing.

* Anon1: “How are you eating?!” Anon2:” With great interest and not a little anaesthesia.”

* Sarah: “Eww, this knife has lube on it.” Five minutes later, Jess picks up the same knife. Jess: “Eww, you’re right…”


* Sarah is not in the office right now, but please leave a message and she will ignore it until she is back from funtimes with Robbie Court.

* “Would you be prepared to die for what you believe in?” “Absolutely, but right now it’s a hugely inefficient use of resources.”

* John Copestake: “No, I’m sorry, they can’t do whatever they want just because they put up a sign. I could put up a sign saying that I will eat your spleen if you go into my garden, but that doesn’t mean I can.”

* Sarah McCulloch is just so efficient sometimes she just wants to reward herself with a biscuit.

* Me to mum: “Why the hell are you wearing a shirt with the mandelbrot set on it? That’s so geeky!” Mum to me: “Says the girl who’s wearing a shirt with an IPv4 related joke on it?”

* Perhaps Ste Monaghan and Robi Folkard can explain the symbolism of the part of my dream that involved sex with Ed Miliband. Am I subconsciously expressing my desire for collectivist reformism? :P

* And switching between my Digg, Twitter, Facebook and blog, checking stats, tweaking content and adding friends, I realised I was Geek.

* Sarah McCulloch doesn’t think words can really express the feeling on seeing the words “Add as friend” next to someone to whom they should never have been attached.

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Because I and apparently so many other continue to enjoy my best Facebook stati post of 2010, I have done the same again this year. As last year, here is a selection of my Facebook stati over the past year that I thought emerged from the better recesses of my mind and my wanderings over the Internet. New and improved: now I have included images and videos! Lol.

This blogpost is in two parts, and the second part will be published tomorrow.

* Random status I just looked at – Commenter 1: “Anyone with mental health issues should be in hospital not prison.” Commenter 2: “Precisely, but [person who has just suggested flaying paedophiles alive and rolling them in salt] here *seems* to be advocating torturing/killing them.” Commenter 3: “Everyone is entitled to an opinion.”

* *sigh* Putting xXx in Google was never going to bring me Vin Diesel’s cinematic masterpiece…

* Hehehehe. “I’m a Lib Dem candidate, would you like to take my deposit?”

* “Socialists promote the vanguard party, which I have to say I often find counter-productive. But on the other hand, the anarchists talk about ‘organising’ and then don’t turn up to anything.” – Intervention at a talk on “Consensus, democracy and leadership”

* “We’re still bitter about 24 not ending with Jack Bauer exploding from all the accumulated urine in his body, like our write-in campaign suggested” – Oh Cracked…

* SKYPE: “We do not give refunds to people who are victims of fraud.” SARAH: “mmhmm.” *files complaint with PayPal* PAYPAL: “Yep, we’ll refund you from Skype’s Paypal account, fraud’s a nasty thing.” SKYPE: “…and what we mean by ‘don’t give refunds’ was ‘fraud’s terrible, and here’s your money back policy on non-refunds, what policy?” Bastards.

* “Fully half the crime-fighting heroes ever have been variations of the “Punches people really hard” power, but when you’re dealing with four-story tall robots that also turn into tanks, it’s like a particularly athletic moth launching itself at the sun.” I love you, Cracked.


* “I waited for years for someone to say what I thought should be said. But no one did. So I started saying it myself.” – John A. Erickson

* Sarah: “You didn’t bring the chair!” Joe Baines-Holmes: “I *did* bring the chair, that is why I am carrying a chair.”

* Nickelback: *If everyone loved and nobody lied* Van Occupanther: “Then they’d all be fucking aspergic!”

* “Hilton family hilariously told the press that no one should watch the video, because Paris was “under age” at the time. Yeah, that’ll scare the Internet off. “Please, we beg you, our daughter was merely a nubile, young, wild teen at the time she performed her extensive fellatio on this video that you can download for free, right now, but shouldn’t.””

* “Taylor is hard but fair, and the advice she gives her charges (wash your hair, be punctual, don’t get a giant cannabis leaf tattooed on your neck) is broad enough to be adopted by the viewers.”

* Nearly left the house without my waistcoat. Never again.

* Sarah: Revise. Revise. REVISE.
Joe Baines-Holmes: Look, we just visited a nuclear bunker, give me five minutes on Facebook, alright?

* “Unlike most other camps in the Nazi concentration camp system, and even unlike other extermination camps, Treblinka II was not so much a “camp” as it was purely a factory of death.” Wikipedia wins the award for neutrality.

* God, it must be so demoralising to be a “Zimbabwean human rights lawyer”.

* “If it helps, try to remember that you’re still one of the one percent of humanity that was born in a time and place where there is such a thing as anesthesia.”

* “The [Kinsey] scale goes from zero (so heterosexual you can impregnate women over the phone) to six (The Literal Gay Lord, savage emperor of the Gays).”

* “..so, did you like the Lord’s Prayer in Swahili at the beginning of Civilisation 4?” Ever the charmer at small talk, Bainsey.

* Dear grumpy white guy, I am aware that the people sitting next to me seem to think that their incomprehensible discussions of corporation tax in some south asian language will become clearer by trying to talk as loudly as possible, but the answer is to tell them to stop trying to drown each other in sound, not to walk out in passive aggressive annoyance. Lots of love, Sarah.

* Sarah McCulloch appears, incredibly, to have cut open her wrist on the zip of her own trousers.

* Sarah McCulloch took two bags to north campus today. Hers contained homemade vegetarian bolognese, cracked bulgar wheat with chickpeas and sweetcorn, a pot of hummous and four wholewheat rolls. Bainesy’s contained 56 packets of walker’s crisps. You’re going to die young Joe Baines-Holmes.

* What I like about Glee is they have outrageous gay (Kurt), normal gay (Blaine), homophobic closeted gay (Karofsky) and evil closeted lesbian (Santana) and self-accepting label-resisting bisexual (Brittney). What I don’t understand, however, is why everyone else in America is enjoying what is basically becoming High School Queer As Folk.

* Sarah McCulloch has no hair, and it’s interesting to consider that it depends on what part of my body that has no hair that makes me considered either more masculine or feminine.

* There has to be a limit to how many times I can listen to a violin cover of Club Can’t Handle Me… Oh, wait, there’s not.

* Looking at the orly owl makes me really, really happy. It’s happy! Be happy! Yay!

* Sarah McCulloch smells like a sea mineral now, apparently.

* I think I just actually found an entirely legitimate reason for putting drugs on UMSU society expenses…

* No niceties from the Guardian – “Before Sarah Palin was understood to be the most catastrophically stupid politician of our age…”

* Sex Education of the Future: “Never connect without a firewall!”

* Me on why I can’t donate platelets: “I have tiny scrawny veins that love me and my blood and won’t give it up without considerable battle.”

* Love the way, btw that Syria is currently using tanks against its people, riots have just broken out in Uganda, and the only uncensored radio station in Libya has been bombed three times, but my God! the Duchess of Cambridge is wearing Sarah Burton!

* Me: “Did you kill the little squidgy thing?” Mum: “No! …I may have done.”

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2.

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