funny statuses

Because I and apparently so many other continue to enjoy my best Facebook stati post of 2010, I have done the same again this year. As last year, here is a selection of my Facebook stati over the past year that I thought emerged from the better recesses of my mind and my wanderings over the Internet. New and improved: now I have included images and videos! Lol.

This blogpost is in two parts, and the second part will be published tomorrow.

* Random status I just looked at – Commenter 1: “Anyone with mental health issues should be in hospital not prison.” Commenter 2: “Precisely, but [person who has just suggested flaying paedophiles alive and rolling them in salt] here *seems* to be advocating torturing/killing them.” Commenter 3: “Everyone is entitled to an opinion.”

* *sigh* Putting xXx in Google was never going to bring me Vin Diesel’s cinematic masterpiece…

* Hehehehe. “I’m a Lib Dem candidate, would you like to take my deposit?”

* “Socialists promote the vanguard party, which I have to say I often find counter-productive. But on the other hand, the anarchists talk about ‘organising’ and then don’t turn up to anything.” – Intervention at a talk on “Consensus, democracy and leadership”

* “We’re still bitter about 24 not ending with Jack Bauer exploding from all the accumulated urine in his body, like our write-in campaign suggested” – Oh Cracked…

* SKYPE: “We do not give refunds to people who are victims of fraud.” SARAH: “mmhmm.” *files complaint with PayPal* PAYPAL: “Yep, we’ll refund you from Skype’s Paypal account, fraud’s a nasty thing.” SKYPE: “…and what we mean by ‘don’t give refunds’ was ‘fraud’s terrible, and here’s your money back policy on non-refunds, what policy?” Bastards.

* “Fully half the crime-fighting heroes ever have been variations of the “Punches people really hard” power, but when you’re dealing with four-story tall robots that also turn into tanks, it’s like a particularly athletic moth launching itself at the sun.” I love you, Cracked.

Link.

* “I waited for years for someone to say what I thought should be said. But no one did. So I started saying it myself.” – John A. Erickson

* Sarah: “You didn’t bring the chair!” Joe Baines-Holmes: “I *did* bring the chair, that is why I am carrying a chair.”

* Nickelback: *If everyone loved and nobody lied* Van Occupanther: “Then they’d all be fucking aspergic!”

* “Hilton family hilariously told the press that no one should watch the video, because Paris was “under age” at the time. Yeah, that’ll scare the Internet off. “Please, we beg you, our daughter was merely a nubile, young, wild teen at the time she performed her extensive fellatio on this video that you can download for free, right now, but shouldn’t.””

* “Taylor is hard but fair, and the advice she gives her charges (wash your hair, be punctual, don’t get a giant cannabis leaf tattooed on your neck) is broad enough to be adopted by the viewers.”

* Nearly left the house without my waistcoat. Never again.

* Sarah: Revise. Revise. REVISE.
Joe Baines-Holmes: Look, we just visited a nuclear bunker, give me five minutes on Facebook, alright?

* “Unlike most other camps in the Nazi concentration camp system, and even unlike other extermination camps, Treblinka II was not so much a “camp” as it was purely a factory of death.” Wikipedia wins the award for neutrality.

* God, it must be so demoralising to be a “Zimbabwean human rights lawyer”.

* “If it helps, try to remember that you’re still one of the one percent of humanity that was born in a time and place where there is such a thing as anesthesia.”

* “The [Kinsey] scale goes from zero (so heterosexual you can impregnate women over the phone) to six (The Literal Gay Lord, savage emperor of the Gays).”

* “..so, did you like the Lord’s Prayer in Swahili at the beginning of Civilisation 4?” Ever the charmer at small talk, Bainsey.

* Dear grumpy white guy, I am aware that the people sitting next to me seem to think that their incomprehensible discussions of corporation tax in some south asian language will become clearer by trying to talk as loudly as possible, but the answer is to tell them to stop trying to drown each other in sound, not to walk out in passive aggressive annoyance. Lots of love, Sarah.

* Sarah McCulloch appears, incredibly, to have cut open her wrist on the zip of her own trousers.

* Sarah McCulloch took two bags to north campus today. Hers contained homemade vegetarian bolognese, cracked bulgar wheat with chickpeas and sweetcorn, a pot of hummous and four wholewheat rolls. Bainesy’s contained 56 packets of walker’s crisps. You’re going to die young Joe Baines-Holmes.

* What I like about Glee is they have outrageous gay (Kurt), normal gay (Blaine), homophobic closeted gay (Karofsky) and evil closeted lesbian (Santana) and self-accepting label-resisting bisexual (Brittney). What I don’t understand, however, is why everyone else in America is enjoying what is basically becoming High School Queer As Folk.

* Sarah McCulloch has no hair, and it’s interesting to consider that it depends on what part of my body that has no hair that makes me considered either more masculine or feminine.

* There has to be a limit to how many times I can listen to a violin cover of Club Can’t Handle Me… Oh, wait, there’s not.

* Looking at the orly owl makes me really, really happy. It’s happy! Be happy! Yay!

* Sarah McCulloch smells like a sea mineral now, apparently.

* I think I just actually found an entirely legitimate reason for putting drugs on UMSU society expenses…

* No niceties from the Guardian – “Before Sarah Palin was understood to be the most catastrophically stupid politician of our age…”

* Sex Education of the Future: “Never connect without a firewall!”

* Me on why I can’t donate platelets: “I have tiny scrawny veins that love me and my blood and won’t give it up without considerable battle.”

* Love the way, btw that Syria is currently using tanks against its people, riots have just broken out in Uganda, and the only uncensored radio station in Libya has been bombed three times, but my God! the Duchess of Cambridge is wearing Sarah Burton!

* Me: “Did you kill the little squidgy thing?” Mum: “No! …I may have done.”

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2.

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